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Itrsquo;s October 10^th, 2008. Friday, after midnight, about 12:50.

Next month itrsquo;ll have been a year since my dad has died. That is something that is just extremely hard for me to really believe. Has it really been 2 years? It definitely doesnrsquo;t feel like it. It feels like he was just here and yet it feels like itrsquo;s been forever. Time really doesnrsquo;t seem to make a difference when it comes to a loved onersquo;s death.

Lately, Irsquo;ve been talking about my dad a lot. Not only have I been talking about him, but Irsquo;ve also been talking like him, walking like him, and smiling like him. Itrsquo;s like everything that comes out of my mouth is something he would have said. When I walk to the store I catch myself walking the same way he did. When Irsquo;m smiling I can feel that Irsquo;m smiling just like him. People have even been telling me lately that I look a lot like him. It must be the expressions on my face now. Itrsquo;s like hersquo;s alive in me. Which definitely makes me feel a little bit better. Even though I wish he were physically alive. You know, the kind of alive where I could pick up the phone and call him.

I donrsquo;t really care if itrsquo;s been two years. A lot of people might think that Irsquo;m holding onto my losses way too much. Well, you would too if the one person who really listened to you and understood you just took his life. Itrsquo;s not exactly something you can just let go. Irsquo;ve accepted that hersquo;s gone. I really have. That doesnrsquo;t mean I donrsquo;t still wish he was here though. Irsquo;m not going to cry about it everyday. Irsquo;m not going to let it affect the way I live. I will, however, keep him alive. If it means talking like him, walking like him, and smiling like him to keep him alive, then thatrsquo;s what Irsquo;m going to do. As long as I am alive I will make sure that my dad is remembered. I will talk about him as much I like and I will bring him up whenever I feel like it. The more I talk about him and keep him on my mind the more I remember about him. I donrsquo;t mind that one bit.

You see, my father is no longer physically around. That is something that is almost unbearably upsetting for me. The only thing that makes that fact bearable is knowing that I can still remember him. Knowing that he was once alive. Knowing that he taught me many things I know. Knowing that he once wore this shirt I wear now. Knowing that he last slept in the bed I sleep in now. Knowing that he once stood in front of that shelter across town. Knowing that he once heard the songs I listen to now. Knowing that he laughed at that movie I watch now. Knowing that he talked to the people I talk to now. My dad was alive once. Therersquo;s proof all around. As long as I never forget that, then Irsquo;ll be able to bear that hersquo;s gone.

My dadrsquo;s life, my dadrsquo;s death, Irsquo;m going to talk about it. I will smile when remembering all of the wonderful memories. I will cry when I realize I can no longer make more with him. I will laugh when I remember something funny he said. I will cry when I remember I can never see his smile again. I will be proud of him when I remember everything he did for me. I will be angry with him when I remember that he gave up himself. None of these things are ever going to change. No matter the date and time. It could be 30 years from now and I will still have the same feelings towards the situation. I am always going to miss him more then anything or anyone else that exists or has ever existed. You know what though? Irsquo;m ok with that, because hersquo;s still in me. I walk like him, I talk like him, and I even have his smile. I have comfort in knowing that he will always be with me. In knowing that he has once been here. He was the best dad in the whole wide world in my eyes. Irsquo;m lucky to have had him as a father. Hersquo;s dead now, but thatrsquo;s ok. Itrsquo;s not something I can change. All I can do now is remember him. So I might as well do just that. Remember him, and keep him alive in my own way.

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